Why It's Never Enough: Israa Nasir on Toxic Productivity, the Labels Behind Burnout and How to Get Unstuck

What happens when you hit the milestone and feel nothing? You launched the thing, crushed the deadline, hit the bestseller list. But instead of celebrating, there's a quiet panic: What now?

I know that feeling. When my book became a bestseller, I was thrilled, especially for the number of women it helped. But almost immediately I was asking, "Where do I put my energy next?" On The Tamsen Show, psychotherapist Israa Nasir named this feeling for what it is: toxic productivity.

What Toxic Productivity Really Is

In plain language, Israa said, toxic productivity is "a mindset where we become completely obsessed with outcome and achievement," and it becomes how we feel good about ourselves. "We're not being busy to be busy. We're being busy and productive to feel good about ourselves." How good you feel becomes completely dependent on getting the check mark.

She lived it in her 20s: overachieving, high functioning, getting the grades. The pressure was in her personal life too, in the kind of friend and daughter she was. The promise is that the last check mark will finally feel good. But "you get to that place and it doesn't feel good enough, and another check mark appears on the horizon."

Israa also explained that toxic productivity is the mechanism through which we get to burnout. "If you don't solve for it, you are definitely going to get there." Burnout can even look like depression, because losing your joy is a symptom of both.

Signs you've crossed into toxic productivity

• You skip meals or cancel plans to "get more done."
• Rest feels like guilt, not relief.
• You can't remember the last time you celebrated a win.
• You compare your pace to others, or to a younger version of yourself.

The Invisible Labels Driving Your Burnout

If you've ever said, "I don't even know who I am anymore," this part is for you. Israa broke down one of the most powerful frameworks behind burnout: wanted vs. unwanted identities.

Wanted identities are the traits that earned you love growing up: "You're so responsible." "You're the smart one." "You're the helper." Unwanted identities are the ones you avoid at all costs: "lazy," "selfish," "unmotivated." Over time, you learn to perform for the first set and avoid the second, even if it costs you your health.

"We barter affection through achievement," Israa said. "We think if we just do more, we'll be more lovable."

She explained that girls learn labels early. Little girls are called pretty far more often than boys, and by the tween years labels are used to police behavior and expectations, like being responsible and caring for siblings. At work, she pointed out, an assertive man is called assertive, while an assertive woman gets called cold or "too much." A woman who takes good notes is called conscientious, and then she's expected to be the note-taker. That's happened to me too, being the one expected to take notes simply because I was the woman at the table.

Ask yourself:

• Which identities did I learn to perform for?
• Which ones did I avoid?
• What if I stopped performing and chose what matters to me?

"Midlife is an identity transition," Israa said. "And we have to pause long enough to imagine a new story."

The Tools Israa Shared to Get Unstuck

1. Do a time-energy audit

When women say there's nothing they can take off their calendar, Israa suggests listing everything you've done for the last three weeks: work, family, friends, romance, kids, your physical health. Next to each item, write how you felt before and after. Then ask three questions:

• Did I have to do this?
• Did I have to do it when I did it?
• What would have happened if I didn't do it fully, or at all?

When Israa did this herself, she found she was committing to things that didn't feel good before or after, and doing things her partner could have done because she was "locked in that should." She took many of them off, "and the world didn't end." She recommends doing it seasonally, since the holidays and summer bring very different demands.

2. Pause before you say yes

If saying no is hard, start with a pause. Ask for time: "Let me get back to you in 20 minutes." That takes the pressure off in the moment.

3. Use the three-part no

Thank the person for thinking of you, because you don't want a no to burn a bridge. Then pick one:

• A clear decline: "Thanks for the offer. I'm not able to today." No explanation needed.
• An alternative: "I'm not able to today. How is next week?"
• A redirect: point them to someone else who can help.

4. Practice with safe people

Israa told me about a friend who said, "This is something I'm practicing with my therapist, so I'm going to say no to you more." She practiced on restaurant suggestions and party invites until she was comfortable saying it to others.

5. Tolerate the discomfort and move

When saying no feels uncomfortable, breathe through it, name the feeling in your head, then shift your energy. Get up, wash your face, leave the room.

Rest Is a Requirement

Burnout isn't a sign of weakness. It's a sign that your values are out of alignment. Recovery starts with asking, What do I actually want to feel when I achieve something?, and working backward from there, not from someone else's checklist. This isn't about doing less. It's about rewriting the script you inherited, so you lead with who you are, not what you accomplish.

Listen to my full conversation with Israa Nasir on The Tamsen Show.

About Israa Nasir

Israa Nasir, MHC-LP, is a New York-based psychotherapist, mental health educator, founder of Well.Guide, and author of Toxic Productivity.

Featured book: Toxic Productivity: Reclaim Your Time and Emotional Energy in a World That Always Demands More

Resources

• Israa Nasir's official site
• Listen to the full episode