The Invisible Labels of Wanted vs. Unwanted Driving Your Burnout

If you’ve ever said, “I don’t even know who I am anymore,” this is for you.

On The Tamsen Show, psychotherapist Israa Nasir broke down one of the most powerful (and painful) frameworks behind burnout: Wanted vs. Unwanted Identities.

Here’s how it works:

• Wanted identities are the traits that earned you love growing up. “You’re so responsible.” “You’re the smart one.” “You’re the helper.”
  
  
• Unwanted identities are the ones you avoid at all costs. “Lazy.” “Selfish.” “Unmotivated.”
  
  

Over time, you learn to perform for the first set, and avoid the second. Even if it costs you your health.

“We barter affection through achievement,” Israa said. “We think if we just do more, we’ll be more lovable.”

This shows up everywhere, especially in midlife. You’ve built a life, a family, a career. But suddenly, you look around and realize: I don’t know if I want this anymore. I just know I built it to be liked.

The problem isn’t your ambition. It’s the outdated story driving it.

Ask yourself:

• Which identities did I learn to perform for?
  
  
• Which ones did I avoid?
  
  
• What if I stopped performing altogether and chose what matters to me?

This isn’t about doing less. It’s about rewriting the script you inherited, so you can lead with who you are, not what you accomplish.

“Midlife is an identity transition,” Israa said. “And we have to pause long enough to imagine a new story.”

Ready to start that pause?

Listen to this episode of The Tamsen Show to start rewriting your narrative.