Why Butterflies Can Be a Red Flag in Midlife Dating

For decades, women have been taught to chase chemistry. On The Tamsen Show, Bela Gandhi challenged that idea directly.

She explained that the intense butterflies many people associate with attraction are often anxiety, not connection. Based on years of behavioral pattern tracking, Bela stated that butterflies frequently appear in relationships that recreate familiar emotional dynamics, especially for people with past relationship trauma.

During the episode, Bela shared that calm is a more reliable indicator of long-term compatibility. Feeling relaxed, present, and able to be yourself on a first date matters more than immediate sparks. She encouraged listeners to say yes to second dates when conversation feels easy and enjoyable, even if instant chemistry is absent.

Bela also described how attraction can develop through emotional safety, shared values, and intellectual connection. Many people report growing desire after trust is established, not before. Dismissing someone too quickly can mean overlooking a healthy partner simply because the nervous system is accustomed to chaos.

Red flags, on the other hand, deserve immediate attention. Bela pointed out warning signs she regularly sees in dating profiles and early interactions, including negativity, sarcasm framed as humor, and statements like “I don’t like drama.” She explained that these patterns often signal emotional avoidance or lack of accountability.

Dating in midlife offers something earlier decades did not, discernment. When fear no longer drives the process, clarity becomes possible.

If you want to hear Bela explain how to distinguish attraction from anxiety, listen to this episode of The Tamsen Show.