So, tell me if this sounds familiar. You go on a date and the whole time you're not even paying attention to how you feel. You're watching him. Did he smile when you said that or laugh? Did he seem like he was impressed?Was he texting back fast enough after the date? I've done it all. I went on dates with men who didn't ask me a single question, who left me feeling like I wasn't visible, and yet they wanted to see me again, and I treated it like it was some kind of victory. Like, oh, thank goodness they wanted to see me again. I completely ignored the fact that I didn't even enjoy myself because in my head, being wanted meant that I mattered.And this is where so many women get stuck. We confuse attention with affection. So, let that just sit for a minute because if you're looking just for attention versus the affection, that can be a big problem. And we confuse being chosen with being loved because we've been so conditioned over time to believe his yes is proof of our worth. Here's the truth though.Validation is a hit, not a foundation. It makes you feel good for just a second or a little longer, but it's not going to sustain you. So, how do you break it? You start dating with a filter, not just hope. Here's what I mean by that.There's a few things I want you to think about and maybe do. So, the first one, before the date, write down three non-negotiables. I know it sounds silly, we ask you to make lists all the time, but I but I want you to really do it so you can see it. And not his job, not his height, not his resume, but how you actually want to feel. Here were mine.I wanted to feel safe. I wanted to feel seen. I wanted to feel like I could totally be myself and I wasn't putting on airs or performing. If those three weren't there, then it didn't matter how much he liked me. The second thing, during the date, I want you to check in with your body.Did your shoulders drop? Did you feel that like pit in your stomach? Were you tense the whole time? Or did you leave like energized? Or did you leave drained?
Your nervous system is going to tell you way more truth than his text will ever tell you. So, kind of check in with your body all through it, even if you have to get up, excuse yourself, go to the bathroom. I want you to figure out how you're feeling. And then number three, after the date, flip the question. Not does he like me?
Do I like him? Do I like who I was when I was with him? When you start really practicing this, you're going to stop auditioning and you're going to start evaluating things for yourself. You're going to stop measuring yourself by whether or not you're wanted. And you can technically use this in any relationship, but you're going to start measuring whether or not you've actually connected with the person.
Here's the shift. When you stop chasing that validation, and it took me a long time to do this, you reclaim the power to choose. And that's when dating stops being a performance and starts being a search for a real relationship and for lasting love. Mistake number two, dating with a timeline and not a compass. And you know how much I talk about timelines.
I cannot tell you how many women sat across from and they whisper some version of this. I need to meet somebody by the end of this year. I want to be married by 35. I want to have kids by 38. I get it.
I lived it. In my 30s, I was not dating with curiosity or with joy. I was panic dating, if that's a thing. Every birthday felt like this countdown. Every wedding invitation reminded me how far I was behind because I had focused so much on my career.
And instead of asking, "Is this the right person for me?" I was asking, "Will this relationship keep me on track? Is it okay for right now?" The truth is, when you're ruled by a timeline, any timeline, you stop listening to yourself. So, I ignored red flags because I was so focused on checking these like mental boxes. And I was more in love with the milestone of being married than I was with the man I was marrying, sadly. And that's what a timeline does.
It literally turns you into somebody who settles, not because you don't know better, cuz I believe you do, but because you're terrified of running out of time. And we probably all see it with friends, and I see it over and over with women who feel this pressure. And the pressure is not imagined, it's real. It comes from family, it comes from culture, it comes from media, biology, all the social media posts of engagements and babies. Here's the hard truth.
If you let the timeline choose your partner or anything, you're not going to get a relationship. You're going to get a deadline dressed up as love. So, you're saying like, "Okay, how do I break that?" You trade the timeline for a compass. Instead of racing the clock, you ask, "Am I moving in the right direction? Do I feel like I'm moving in the right direction?" Here's what that looks like when it comes to real life actionable practice.
First of all, say no faster. That timeline makes us drag out situations we already know are wrong, like right into marriage sometimes, in my case. Because at least it's something, right? I want you to break the pattern. If he's not consistent, if he avoids commitment, if you feel like you're smaller around him, if you're changing yourself a little bit, cut it off fast.
Every month you spend trying to turn almost right into right is time you're never going to get back, and that could be years. The second thing, stop future tripping on the first date. I used to walk into dates secretly auditioning men for the role of my husband, like before salad, you know? Every single time I lost sight of the only question that mattered. Did I even enjoy myself?
Did I laugh? Did I feel relaxed? Did I like the way I felt around him? I shouldn't have been thinking like, is he going to be a good husband? Is are my parents going to like him?
What are people going to think? How's he going to measure up? You need to measure the first date by how you feel, not whether or not he could father your children someday. Number three, practice choosing stillness over panic. And this was another tough one for me.
That timeline will scream at you, "You're behind. You've got to catch up. You're behind everybody else. Move faster. Everyone else is there, why aren't you?" The truth is, rushing toward the wrong person delays you more than ever being alone will.
Choose to pause. Choose to wait for alignment. That's the act of real power. Every time you tell yourself, "My life is not late. My love story is not late, and I'm writing it on my own terms." That's when you're getting ahead.
When I finally let go of that clock in my life, everything shifted. I stopped kind of like twisting myself into a pretzel to fit into other people's lives just to keep up. I started saying no to men who weren't aligned, even if it meant being alone for a while. And look, I spent plenty of Friday nights alone with my Chihuahua, and I realized something that still guides me today. The right relationship isn't delayed because you walk away from the wrong ones.
It's delayed because you waste years trying to simply make them work. And that can just suck. Before we move on, I want to stop here for a second, because what we're talking about right now is the part of relationships that almost nobody prepares you for. Love isn't clean, and it's not always calm or clear, that's for sure. And I think so many of us quietly assume that if things feel hard, or they feel messy, or emotionally charged, then it means something is wrong with the relationship, or wrong with us.
That's why Messy Love has been such a powerful listen for me. You guys know I am obsessed with Audible. I've been listening every single morning on my hot girl trot walks. Recently, I've been listening to Messy Love, Jay Shetty's new Audible Original. So, I met Jay Shetty a couple of months ago, and what really struck me then, and even more so listening to this, he is so grounded and so present around relationships.
It's really incredible. So, instead of advice from a distance, you're brought inside real unscripted coaching sessions with couples who are actually in it. You hear them navigating resentment, broken trust, long-held hurts, and patterns that didn't start in this relationship, but are absolutely playing outside of it. There's no script, there's no pretending, there's no guarantee that everything is going to get wrapped up neatly. So, what stayed with me is how Jay shows up in these moments, like really shows up.
He's not performing or interviewing, he is right there with those couples, helping them slow things down, communicate with more clarity and compassion, and then really notice when they're stuck in a cycle of blame or withdrawal, and then begin rebuilding emotional safety when things feel fragile. This isn't about perfect love. This is about practice love. The kind that shows up in everyday moments that we usually gloss over. Arguments, silences, things we don't say, and those things that can either pull us closer together or push us further apart.
So, whether you are in a partnership, you're dating, you're single, or maybe you're still healing from something that didn't work out, Messy Love on Audible gives you language, perspective, and tools you can actually use today without making you feel judged or behind. You can kickstart your own well-being journey with your first audiobook free when you sign up for a 30-day trial at audible.com. Membership is $14.95 a month after 30 days, and you can cancel anytime. Audible. There's more to imagine when you listen.
All right, let's get back to the conversation and get into mistake number three. Let's go to mistake number three. Believing the fantasy of potential. This one's going to sting. I have to warn you that.
Because I know so many of us, myself included, have fallen for it. It's a mistake of dating someone's potential instead of like what's really going on there. And it's it's what I did in my first marriage. It's what I did in one of the longest relationships I had, who I You guys have probably heard me on social media refer to as Mr. Big.
Here's what it looks like. He's inconsistent. He doesn't call when he says he's going to. He doesn't show up when he says he's going to. And you tell yourself, "Oh, once he's less busy with work, he's going to show up." He's emotionally unstable.
But you say, "He just needs the right woman to try to bring him out of it." And then my personal favorite, "He's not ready now, but maybe in a year or two he will be." I did this. I stayed in relationships far too long because I was in love with who the man could be or could become and not who he actually was showing me all the time. And I told myself all sorts of stories about growth and potential. When in reality, nothing was changing at all. It was like When I go back and look at it now, I'm like, "What was I doing?" But I know what I was doing.
I was waiting for a future that was never going to arrive, and it took me years to figure that out. And I watched it happen with countless women when I was doing the matchmaking business. Smart, beautiful, successful, accomplished women convincing themselves to hold on just a little bit longer because of what might be possible instead of paying attention to the truth right in front of them. Here's the thing, potential is really, really seductive in all aspects of our lives. It can keep you hooked because it gives you that that hope we all we all want hope, right?
Here's the hard truth. You are not dating the version of him that might exist one day as long as you're perfect. You're dating the man sitting across from you right now, and who he is today, I promise you, is who he really is. So, here's how I want you to break the pattern. Number one, ask the forever question.
It's the simplest way to get honest with yourself if nothing else works. Here's the question. If nothing about him ever changes, could I build my life with him just like he is today? Nothing, nothing changes. Not who he might be after therapy, not who he could be if he grew up, but who he is right now.
If the answer's no, then you are not with that right person. You're not in love with him, you're in love with the idea of him. That question is like cold water on your face. It cuts through the fog of fantasy really, really fast, and it makes it super clear what you should be doing. And it's not always easy to answer.
Number two, trust actions over promises because those can be hollow. Potential always lives in the words, like, "I'm going to do better. I just need time. I've never done this before. Things are going to be different." Reality is in actions.
You need to look at it. Does he follow through? Does he show up? Does he make room for you in his life? Is he consistent?
What do his frie- do your friends feel? What do his friends act like? If the answer is no, I want you to stop now making excuses for him. A man's actions teach you everything you have to know about his capacity to love. And you cannot build a relationship on someday.
This next one I got a lot of flack for on social media. But I'm going to say it anyway, again and again. Stop being his project manager. This is a truth. You cannot fix him.
You cannot love him into being ready. You cannot build a future with somebody who doesn't even know how to show up in the present. Every time you convince yourself that with a little more patience, a little more effort, he's going to get there, you are putting your life on hold for somebody who is not holding you. You really deserve a partner and not a project. So I want you to think about that.
You're not a project manager. You're not his therapist. You're not his receptionist. When I finally started living this way, I felt two things at the same time. I felt a whole lot of grief for the years I'd wasted.
It really sucked. And then I felt like this overwhelming relief that I wasn't waiting anymore. Because the minute you stop choosing potential, you start choosing presence. And that's when you create space for a real relationship in your life. And one that is there in the here and now and it's not just in your imagination.
Okay, Tam fam, quick reminder. It is time to take care of you. And honestly, who better to help you do that than the top voices in well-being on No matter what you're working on right now, whether it's your sleep, a relationship, your mindset, your money, your parenting, Audible has something that can support you in a way that fits into your everyday. Here's why I love Audible. Cuz I listen to it every morning on my morning walks.
It is so easy and I learn something. You can listen to best-selling authors like Brené Brown and Jay Shetty. Get inspired in the kitchen with Chef Jamie Oliver. And find parenting favorites like Raising Good Humans. Kickstart your well-being journey with your first audiobook free when you sign up for a 30-day trial at audible.com.
Membership is $14.95 a month. After 30 days, you can cancel at any time. Okay, this is the final mistake, I promise, but it's mistake number four is disappearing into the relationship. It could be one of the worst, and it's definitely one of the most painful mistakes I've made. And it's the one I see women repeat again and again because you don't realize it's happening.
It's when you lose yourself inside the relationship. Here's how it showed up for me. The second things got serious, I stopped making decisions just for me. I turned down trips with friends because I thought it might annoy him. I shifted all my routines, my workouts, my weekends, my dreams to match his.
And slowly, without even noticing it, I disappeared. And I was doing things like I didn't even ever want to do. I was still there on the outside. I'd go to work, I'd do all the things, but on the inside, I had shrunk. And I've watched so many women do the same thing.
We stop being the main character of our own story and our own lives, and we start living somebody else's supporting role. We tell ourselves it's compromise, but that is not what it is. The danger is that one day you wake up and realize you don't recognize yourself anymore. And when the relationship ends, or even if it doesn't, you're left with this terrifying question of who am I without him, and who am I now? So, here's how we're going to go into breaking that pattern.
First, keep your own table set. That means continuing to feed the parts of your life that are just yours. Your friendships, your hobbies, your work, your routine. That doesn't mean that you can't have something to do with him, and they can join you at different things, but it means that you also have to do have your things going on. When I finally started scheduling girls' nights, even when I was in a relationship, or taking trips without waiting for, you know, his opinion, I realized something really important.
My independence wasn't a threat to love. It was the real thing that kept me more grounded and whole on the inside. So, I want you to keep doing what you did when you were single in so many ways. Have your friendships, do your workout, do your plan, just don't erase yourself. Number two, check the balance of giving and receiving.
So, disappearing often starts with over giving all the time, right? You're flexible, you bend, you do all this kind of stuff, and then you're expected to do all those things. So, notice, are you the one doing all that? Are you the one always adjusting and compromising and and making space, or is he meeting you in the middle? And he very well may be.
A healthy relationship is not one where you disappear. It's one where you are both fully present and giving. Number three, rehearse life without him. And I don't mean planning a breakup, I mean remembering you have your own identity that exists outside the relationship. I want you to go to a drinks alone, dinner alone, lunch alone, spend a weekend on your own, reconnect with a version of you who has her own voice and her own desires.
When I finally stopped disappearing into men's lives, I finally understood that love is not about erasing yourself, it's about being fully yourself and fully seen. And if you cannot be yourself in a relationship, it's going to be a really, really long relationship with a lot of very lonely times. So, those are the four mistakes that I see women making again and again, and trust me, they're the same ones that I made for a long time. Dating for validation, dating on that dang timeline, dating somebody else's potential, and then just disappearing and losing yourself in the relationship. If you happen to recognize any of these, I want you to hear me very clearly.
There's nothing wrong with you. These patterns don't mean you're broken, they just mean you're human. They mean that you've been doing what so many of us were taught to do, to chase approval, to meet milestones and timelines, to fix everybody else, and to shrink. But once you see the pattern, you can break it. Stop asking, "Why am I like this?" and asking what you want instead.
Because you can change everything. You have the power to stop giving all your power away and start choosing from a place of strength. And by the way, if you take nothing else from today and say, "Tamsen, you're crazy." Let it be this. Love is not something you earn by disappearing into somebody else's story. The right love is the one that lets you be fully yourself.
I so appreciate you spending time with me today. If this episode about dating spoke to you, it would mean so much if you left a review on Apple or Spotify or wherever you're listening from or YouTube, if that's where you're watching. Not only does it help the show grow, it helps other women find these conversations we're having when they need them most. And remember, your life isn't late and your love story is not behind. Don't wait for someday.
Live your someday today.
