The Question Women Can’t Escape

I was at an event recently when someone asked me a question I’ve heard more times than I can count:  “Do you have kids?”

When I said no, they paused for a second and then followed it up with another one:

“Was that because of your career?”

And I just stood there thinking… wow, we’re still doing this?

I’m 55 years old.

I thought by now we had moved past the idea that a woman’s life needs to be explained through the lens of motherhood or career. But somehow that question still finds its way into conversations.

For years, when I was in my 30s and 40s, I felt like I had to defend myself. People would assume I had chosen work over having a family as if those were the only two options.

As if every woman is standing in front of some invisible fork in the road where she has to decide between ambition or motherhood. But the truth is much simpler than that. I didn’t choose a career instead of kids, I just didn’t want kids and that answer has always made people uncomfortable.

I’ve realized over time that it doesn’t actually matter what choice you make as a woman because someone will question it. If you don’t have kids, people ask why. If you have one child, people ask when you’re having the second. If you have three kids, people ask how you manage working. If you stay home, someone will ask if you miss your career. If you work full time, someone will ask how you could possibly leave your kids all day.

No matter what you choose, someone will think you should have done it differently. And I think that’s because we still expect women to choose one identity and apologize for the rest.

Some women are incredible mothers. Some women build extraordinary careers. Some women do both. Some women choose neither and create entirely different kinds of lives. None of those paths should require an explanation.

For me, the truth is I’ve spent most of my life nurturing people just not through motherhood. I took care of my family when my mom was sick, I mentor women, and I show up for the people in my life. 

There are a thousand ways to build a meaningful life. Motherhood is one of them, but it isn’t the only one.

That moment at the event is actually what made me want to talk about this more openly. Because I know so many of you deal with the same thing whether you’re a mom, not a mom, undecided, or simply tired of feeling like your life choices are up for debate.

So in this week’s episode of The Tamsen Show, I’m talking about something we don’t say out loud enough: what it’s like to live outside the expectations people place on women around motherhood.

No matter what path you take, someone will always have an opinion and it’s not your job to manage everyone else’s expectations. Your only job is to live a life that feels right for you.

P.S. One thing I’ve learned in midlife is that taking care of yourself is not selfish. Building a life you love really does come down to the small daily habits that support you. I’ve been collecting some of my favorites from wellness routines to little everyday tools that keep me feeling my best. You can find them here.