And I hope I hope you get back in touch because I would love to hear where you are, you know, in the next few months and how you're doing. Do you think it's a common thing for women to feel like they might regret it or have some sort of guilt around divorce? Is that really common? Oh my gosh, I think it is so common for women to feel guilt around divorce even if it is no way their fault or even if it's a 50/50. And I think it's because of this.I think and I'll speak for myself. Even though the relationship was in a place where it was not tenable to go forward, I kept thinking like could I have done more? Was there something else I could have done to fix it? And I think that's how we're ingrained. We we have been ingrained in this society in so many ways.
It's not all and only women but a majority of women that we feel like we're the fixers, and that if we can just do this right, you know, we can make it work and make it look better than it is or was. And and it's why I talk about it, I think, so much is because I think that it's very common to feel like that, whether or not you know the marriage, you know, is does not have any chance, because we want to do right and be good and be good girls. And I hope we're starting to break out of that by talking about it more and having more conversations about it. Yeah, that's great. Okay, let's go to the next one.
Examples of people that can guide you in the right direction. Like you. Hi Tamsen, I'm 52 and I'm going on my first date in a very long time. It's with someone I've known through work for years and we recently reconnected in a different way. I used to be so confident, but I feel rusty and weirdly anxious.
I've put on a lot of weight in perimenopause, so that probably has a lot to do with it, but I'm curious, is coffee and a walk too casual for a first date at this age? Any tips for easing back into dating when it's been a long time? What should I wear? Sorry for all the questions, but it's been a minute. I love this question.
First of all, congratulations. No, coffee and a walk is not too casual. I think more than anything, you have to think of a couple things. One, what's the worst thing that could happen? What's the worst thing on this date if you're not feeling comfortable that's going to happen?
He's not going to be interested or the walk is going to end early or you're not going to want a second cup of coffee. Like that's that's the worst, you know? Safety first with everything on any date if you're going back into things, I I have to put that out first and foremost. Second, I understand I understand that. I understand not feeling that confidence, especially hitting perimenopause, where you kind of just feel like everything has shifted, cuz I certainly did when I got back out there.
I would give yourself a little bit of like give yourself a break of of what's going on. You're brave and bold enough to get back out there. You know this person already, so you're not meeting a complete stranger. And stop worrying about like doing everything perfect to have to like look perfect, act perfect, smell perfect. Well, maybe smell is you know, but but do all those perfect things to impress that other person because they're probably feeling the same way.
And with what to wear, I mean, if you're going to go out work out, I'd put on like a cute little jacket if it's cold. I don't know where you where you're living, but you know, put on a little workout outfit and and go do your thing. I wouldn't feel like you have to overly impress somebody because you don't want to keep that up all the time. Like I remember I used to go out on dates and I would go in between work, so I'd be in full makeup. It was like a costume almost.
And then if it would become another time where I wasn't coming from work, I'd feel like, "Oh my gosh, I have to live up to that image that they that they think I gave them the first time around." So, I hope that's helpful and I hope you send us a picture and I hope you have a second date if you want one. Hi Tamzin, thank you for everything you do. I feel like you're my big sister. I'm 31. I don't have a little sister, so I well, except you, but I like that.
I'm just kidding. I'm 31 and my boyfriend is 33. Over the last year, he's slowly become completely dependent on me for social interaction. He used to have a solid friend group, but they [snorts] had a falling out. He just sort of attached himself to me afterwards.
He texts constantly, wants constant reassurance, and gets uncomfortable if I make plans without him. I know. Sorry. I don't think he's controlling. He seems just lonely, which makes me feel guilty, but I'm starting to feel a little smothered.
I've tried helping him meet people, but he never follows through. Is this something you can think we can actually resolve or is it a deal breaker? [sighs] Oh gosh. All right, there's a lot of those things to pull apart, so I'm going to have to ask you more questions in a second to repeat some stuff. I don't know that that's a deal breaker because it's something that has just happened versus you've seen it happen all along, right? Because he apparently did have friends.
Second, I'm glad he's not controlling, but I kind of think that smothering is controlling. So, I I mean, I don't you know, controlling like don't go do anything versus "Hey, where are you? What are you doing?" Both of those things are kind of controlling to me. Third, I think that it's not your job to find him a friend group. You're not like finding play dates for him, and I think that can become a real big turn-off at some point because you want a partner, not a not you want him to be your child.
And so, I think you have to have a real honest conversation, and then stop texting back all those times because if you're constantly responding to all those things, now you're getting into this pattern of like this is what he expects you to do. And I you know, is it a deal-breaker? I don't know if it's a deal-breaker. I think the question is is if you're willing to have that conversation, is he's willing to see what he's doing. And it could be temporary, and I hope it is.
And if it's not, then you might have to move on. Okay, while she's looking for the next question, I just want to say this. We love hearing from you guys, and we love the questions. So, it doesn't have to all be dating and relationship or divorce, anything. Just send it send it our way.
And if it's something that's going to need research, it's something more medical or something more wellness or longevity, we will do the research, bring in the experts, and ask your questions. So, we're trying to do a lot more of the Q&A to make sure that your questions specifically get answered cuz I know you guys don't have tons of time, and your time is precious. And so, we want to make sure every minute you're listening to The Tamsen Show, you are learning something or feeling something or seeing something that helps. Love it. Okay, this one's interesting.
Hi Tamsen, I adore your show. Thank you for helping me feel less alone in this stage of life. I'm 32 and dating a man who's incredible in every way except for one thing. The way he uses social media makes me feel terrible about myself. He follows and likes a ton of women who look nothing like me.
He says it's meaningless, but I can't shake the feeling of not being enough. Is this something couples genuinely work through, or am I signing up for years of insecurity? Oh, gosh. I Or who are these people he's I guess I have a question like who are these people he's following? Are they like friends of his that just don't look like you, or are they random people that he's staring at all the time?
I think that I'm sure they're models. Models? Yeah, there's a lot of Insta beautiful Instagram models. I think this is a common It is? I mean, not in my relationship.
It better not be. Nope. Look, I yeah, I think there's a well, I have some concern there. I don't think there's anything wrong with, you know, Well, yeah, I do think there's wrong I Yeah, I have a problem with that, actually. I really do.
I don't know that everyone's going to agree with me or not, but if it's making you feel like you're not enough, which I hate those two words so much, and you're already feeling like that, then I wonder what it's going to feel like in 3 more years, or when you're my age, and you're going through menopause, you you know, so I I do worry about that. I worry if his actions are causing you to feel a certain way, and those are very definitive actions that are being taken. My question is this, have you mentioned it or talked about it? If you haven't, I would really implore you to do that. If you have talked about it, and you're still in the same place you're in right now, I would really consider whether or not that's that's something that you feel is going to be comfortable for you in the next 2 3 4 5 10 years, because it wouldn't be for me.
That would not be okay, because I would constantly be wondering if he if that was like being kind of lorded over my head as that's what I really want, but I'm with you for now, which I don't know that's how he feels, but that's how I would feel if that were going on. So, now I have to check Iris's Instagram. Oh, wait, he's not on it. Iris doesn't even know how to log into his Instagram. He can't find his app.
It's not an issue. Tamzin, I divorced at 38, and I feel like I was dropped into a dating universe I don't understand. Do people actually meet in real life anymore or do I need to get on apps even though they make me want to throw my phone into the river? Yes, people still meet in real life. I will say that I met Ira at the age of I don't even know how old I was.
I guess it was 8 years ago, 7 years ago, 8 years ago. The dating apps? No, I was never on the dating apps. Why not? Oh gosh, I didn't go on the dating apps I think because when we ran the matchmaking business they were just starting and I was like I was I had set up so many profiles for people and I had I just I don't know and I I I think that I saw it and I'm like I don't know.
I don't really know if I ever want to get married again. I wasn't really anxious to find somebody. Right. You know, and so that was one thing cuz I'd already been married now at that point. Mhm.
And two, I think I was always nervous with work of going on there. Like cuz I did the news for a long time cuz You're a public figure. Yeah, it always make I don't know. It just made me a little bit nervous. Raya now where they have What's Raya?
It's like Oh, that's the one that like to it. Anything Oh, I don't know. I think the acceptance is Raya. Oh yeah, I don't think that I would be accepted. But no, so I never did the dating apps.
So wait, what was the question? I did a dating app for like 30 minutes and then I was scared for my safety. Like I was scared I was scared some like I would see the person that I matched with out in the real world. I think like no one talks about it. It's also like a safety issue I feel like sometimes.
You mean matching with them and then seeing them somewhere? Yeah, and like you don't know who they are. I guess I yeah, I guess I never did that. Like I don't I don't know that I ever went on any any blind dates. Because you also knew like you had someone to vet Ira when you met him in person.
Like he was a stranger, but people knew who he was. Yes, I knew his background immediately cuz people wouldn't stop bothering me about him. But yeah, but going from scratch, like I've talked to a lot of women about that. Going from like not knowing somebody to like jumping right into that is not something I've ever done before. But I can understand Wait, what was the question?
It was how Does she need to go in Does she need to go on dating apps? Like basically, do you hang out at the the elevator bank that you met Ira in or If you go to the Fontainebleau in Miami where I met Ira, no, look, I don't think you have to go on dating apps, but I think if I were dating now, I probably would. I do think that, but I do think that I would also not try to make it a full-time job, which I know a lot of people feel like it is. And I know that there have been some incredible relationships that have come out of that just because of the numbers at this point, right? And the ability And I also think the ability to research people a little bit better versus what we had 10 or 20 years ago.
Like we didn't have the ability to like you could literally see somebody and then go find out 100 things about them. So that's good news. I don't think you have to do the dating apps, but I do think you can meet people in person, but I think you have to be really patient with that and really understand that you might meet 20 people and then it might be one of those people who know somebody else who introduce you to somebody else, right? Or it might be you have this time of saying yes to everything, so you're showing up wherever it is. And so I think you have to be patient on both accounts, but I wouldn't rule out dating apps, not at all.
I would research the type of dating apps that you want to be on. I know isn't Bethenny Frankel starting a dating app or something? I don't know. Is she starting a dating app? Yeah, I saw it on Instagram.
I saw I saw it on Instagram somewhere. I also think Cuz she was sick of online dating. Yeah. Maybe we have to have Bethenny Frankel come talk about her online dating. I would love that if Bethenny Frankel came and talked about her online dating app.
I also think too like joining different like groups groups running groups like you know, a pottery class That's That you're you're really right. That was the advice we used to give with dating. So when we did before there were so many apps, we were like, "Oh, go go to like-minded places, whether you're you're going to a class together." And there's so many of those things now like Airbnb experiences. Airbnb experiences. I just saw a bonsai in a bar event going on and I think it's in midtown where you want to go learn how to like make the bonsai trees, like clip them and stuff, which my dad loves to do.
There are pottery classes, there's running clubs, there's like adventures to say yes to, whether it's hiking or you know, whatever it is you want to do. So, I do think it can be a little creative. Personally, I like that because it's like a two-in-one. You're meeting people and then you're also doing something, whether it's getting outside or getting outside your comfort zone. So, you're not just going to work, coming back home, sitting on your phone, thumbing through your phone, trying to figure out whether to swipe right or left.
I think that there are real people out there in the real world and you're going to have to get out anyway eventually. Yeah, you should see all the women that Tamsen dad is meeting at pottery. I know. My father My father's 85 and he he's out he's doing pottery classes, he does groups, he does like a men's group, he's and he's meeting so many people. It's amazing.
So, I think it's never too late to do that. But But go out there not like, I've got to fall in love and get married. Go out there thinking, I want to meet people that are interesting and see where it goes and see who knows who. Hi Tamsen, I'm 30 and my boyfriend talks about building a future together, but each time we talk logistics about moving in, he's pushing the timeline. Is this hesitation normal or do you think it's a sign that he's unsure about us?
Oh, timelines. [clears throat] so a couple of things. I think it's really important that people keep their word when they say something. I think it's really important that if you've both talked about something and said like, "Hey, we're moving together in together in August." And he's like, "Let's do December now." And December rolls around and he or November rolls around and he goes, "Let's do next August." Like that kicking the can thing, unless it's a financial reason or a work reason or a whatever it is, concerns me. I think also you need to figure out, you know, the why. That's it.
I would just want to know the reason why. And if it's just constantly going of keep you on a string, you've got to decide whether or not you want to constantly be the aggressor of pushing everything forward. Because if you're pushing the relationship forward now, you're going to be pushing it forward for a very long time. And that's not fun. Tim said, "I am 42.
I'm in therapy and it has changed my life. My boyfriend thinks therapy is dramatic and not necessary. It feels like it's creating a real gap between us. Do you think a relationship can work when only one person is willing to put in the work?" [snorts] No. I don't think a relationship can work with only one person putting in the work because that's not a relationship.
That's a relationship with you. But I think it doesn't mean that I think he has to go to therapy, but if that's something that you're doing and at least the very least is to be supportive of it. And so, no, I don't think that works when there's one person putting in the work. I I don't I don't. I'd love to be able to give you a different answer, but I don't know what that answer would be.
And I think I'd be misleading you to say that if he doesn't want to put in the work now, he's going to want to put it in in 5 years when the relationship gets more serious. So, what is that What do you suggest? Like is it an ultimatum? I I don't think it's an ultimatum. I think it's a conversation.
Like I never think any ultimatums don't work. Like ultimatums make you feel crappy and make the other person pissed off or resentful or or not tell you their truth, right? So, I think it's a conversation. Like this is what I'm going to do. If you can support me in it, I want to go forward.
If you can't support me in it, I want to know what your suggestion is so that I can feel comfortable. And I don't think that's an ultimatum. I think that that's a conversation of opening up options in front of somebody and figuring out where they land. And if his answer is, "I don't want to do anything. I'm just going to do this." then I think you have to decide whether or not that's good enough for you.
And I don't think good enough is enough. Mic drop. I am in the throes of perimenopause. Anytime I bring up night sweats or mood swings, my husband has to make a joke about me being hormonal. Oh my gosh, you don't have to finish this question.
Okay, go ahead. How do I get him to take this seriously? [gasps] Send him to me. We'll take care of him. We'll take care of him. You know, perimenopause and menopause, we know have not been conversations until literally recently.
So, I don't fault anybody for not feeling comfortable having the conversation, but I do fault them for mocking it. And I know that has been societal. We any media show that has mentioned menopause or perimenopause until now, it's always a joke. Like the woman is hot and frantic and raging and crazy and feeling awful and doesn't want to have sex. So, we know that that's like that stereotype, but you are having real symptoms and maybe possibly suffering in some of those.
And there are enough men out there who have have come turned a corner to really help and under not even turn a corner, but have come forward to and so many of them are in the studio with me right now, but to ask questions and and understand what's going on and want to understand what's going on because they're a partner. So, you've got to just guide him to the right way and see if he's willing to do that, whether it's listening to one of the podcasts. We have a We have a men's guide to menopause that we did not too long ago. We had tons of men writing in asking more questions, which was super exciting. So, we need to do another one of those.
Whether it's a you know, getting a book, whether it's getting a you know, just a couple of like understanding what's going on. This is a transition in my life. This is how I'm feeling during this. This is not like quirky, funny, haha symptoms. This is something I'm really, really going through and I need your help with that.
And I don't know very many people or very many partners that would be like, "Nah, you're on your own." I think it's just really understanding what you're going through emotionally and then physically. I'm 38 years old and my ex-husband and I divorced 6 months ago. Mhm. It was mutual, respectful, without any blow-ups, but and everyone kept telling me how lucky I am that we handled it so maturely. What does that feel like?
But I feel wrecked. We didn't split because of something dramatic. We actually just slowly became roommates. And now I'm grieving something I'm not even sure existed. How do you mourn a marriage that didn't end in a blow-up?
Oh, I mean, I I guess I understand that. That roommate thing can almost be harder. Because it just feels like it there's no like reason, you know, somebody didn't cheat, somebody didn't, you know, there doesn't seem like there was any type of abuse. There was just no There's no hard fast defined excuse, right? It just didn't work anymore and you drifted apart.
I think I would try to realize that you don't have to mourn the end of that, but you do have to acknowledge the end of that and acknowledge that without that romantic relationship, you probably became really good friends. So, it's a it's the end of a friendship. And I don't know if it makes sense that you have to keep that person in your life because I don't know if that stops you from doing something else. If if you can find a way to both, you know, keep that friendship and salvage it, maybe that's that's good enough, but I'm not sure that that's always feasible. And I would also say that I would try to turn the not worry about what people are saying, but you should really appreciate the fact that you both had enough respect for each other and the relationship to treat each other in an incredible way.
Relationships that blow up, and trust me, I had that, with no respect, you mourn yourself in those. And I think the good thing is you're not mourning yourself. I also love your advice about the time blocking, which you did. So, can you talk about it about that? At the end of it?
Yeah, like I think that still applies even if the relationship didn't blow up. I think that's just a really smart way to look at any, you know, grief or any time in your life that you just are trying to, you know, put your head down and get through it. Yeah. Yeah, I do the time blocking out even on my calendar and I haven't done it as much lately, which I need to, but I would like carve the when I went through my divorce, it was really volatile and I would go from like fighting weather through attorney or mediator to work to back to that and it was like I didn't have any time to even like sort through what the what I was dealing with. So, I would like block out time and go walk the city or go walk around the park or, you know, go to the gym or just kind of sit there and focus on what I needed to focus on.
And that really helped me rebuild who I was cuz I lost a part of myself. I didn't know how to be alone. I was involved and tangled in a business with him, so that was hard. Financially we were all like combined together, so that we didn't he didn't travel. I love to travel.
He liked watching TV. I didn't like watching TV. It was just like we were so different. I'd lost myself. And so, I blocked out some units of time every week as much as I could to like remember who I was again.
And that really helped, but it took time. It didn't happen overnight. It didn't happen like after a week. But that quiet time is important. So, I also hope that you're not just sitting on the phone with this person just because you were so used to having them next to you all the time.
That was I really enjoyed that because I felt like those were such great questions and I hope that was really helpful to all of you. I'm going to put the phone number Oh, what's the phone number actually? I'm going to get it memorized, I promise. But if you guys want to leave a message or send your questions in or leave your comments, I would love to hear them. We got a phone because cuz I'm old school, but also because I really want to hear your voice and hear what you have to say about things and sometimes it gets lost over DMs and texts and emails.
So, do we have that phone number? I think it's a 917 number, so hold on. And we'll put it in the show notes, too, so you can call or text. All right. Give us a call, text, write and let me know what you think.
I'll see you next time.
