I spent my entire 30s running this constant low-grade commentary on myself in my head. Oh my god, I look fat today. I don't look good today. My hair's a mess. I just did a terrible job at work.I suck. I'm so slow. Everybody else is ahead of me. I'm never going to catch up. Does any of that sound familiar?I'm always running late. My skin looks so tired. I should have done it better. On and on and on. And a lot of it I didn't say out loud.I said it to myself looking at myself in the mirror. I thought because it was in my head, it didn't really count as self-criticism. But I realized now, it counts. Every single one of those things, even if you're doing them as a joke, even if you think you're doing them to motivate yourself in some way, that voice did not stay private. It blended into how I walked into rooms, how I shook hands at events, how I got up on a stage, how I sat next to somebody at a dinner.People started to treat me the way I'd been treating myself, because they were picking up on something that I was broadcasting, that I was putting out there, and I didn't even know it. And then I would get frustrated that they were treating me the way that I was actually talking to myself. So, I promise you this, and this is why this is number one. The way you talk to yourself becomes the way you carry yourself, and the way you carry yourself becomes the way that people read you. So, I don't care if you're 35 or you're 65 listening to this, I want you to keep that in mind because it becomes a habit after a while, and we don't even realize what we're doing.
Whatever the voice in your head is saying about you, people around you can feel it, even when they can't hear it. And if she's telling you you're I don't know, you're running out of time, or you know, you picked the wrong career, or you're just not enough, I promise you, you'll see the world's going to start confirming what she's saying, because she is not like this quiet roommate. This is the loudest woman in your life. So, this is a habit that worked for me that I would love for you to start, I don't care if you started today. Catch the voice just one time a day.
Just once. You don't have to be perfect and trust me, I catch it all the time. The next time you hear yourself say, "I look terrible." or "I can't believe I just did that." Ugh. I want you to stop and ask yourself one question. Would I let my best friend say that about herself in front of me?
If the answer's no, you don't get to say it either about yourself. The kindness that you give other women, other people in your life, younger people, older people, is that kindness you have to start giving yourself. This one lesson could have changed an entire decade for me. I wish I'd known it earlier. And as soon as my stepmom said it, she was like, "Everything that comes out of your mouth goes directly into your ears." And then I was like, "Oh, okay.
Well, I'm not saying these out loud." But I was saying them internally. And it makes a difference. Lesson number two. Notice who gets uncomfortable when you're doing well. This one took me a long, long time to see.
In my 30s, I had a friend that I had known for years. We had been close before I had any kind of career or she had any kind of career. We would kind of like complain together, walk together. She was that person I always went to. And she had seen me in every version of myself.
And I'd been a real friend to her in some of her hardest times, too. In some real tough seasons. And I trusted her implicitly. Then I finally got my big break in New York at the age of 34. I moved to the city.
I started landing these kind of news stories that I would have been dreaming about for years. And I felt like I was getting closer to what I had imagined my life was going to be. And almost overnight, something between us shifted. I started hearing these compliments that were kind of backhanded compliments. Oh, oh, you must be so important now.
You're so busy. Comments after I had told her anything good that was happening. The well, it must be nice, you know. I know, it must be nice. She would pull back when I would share a win and then lean in when I was having problems or struggling or difficulty in a relationship.
And I always felt like nothing was good enough. If I would say, "Oh, I got this." or "I did this." she'd say, "But what about that?" And she would forget my big moments, but remember every little mistake. And I worked really hard to try to keep the friendship together. And I kept thinking that I was the one reading it wrong. Like maybe I wasn't being humble enough.
And maybe if I could stay humble enough or stay small enough or like I used to be and available enough, then we could go back to how it used to be. It took me years to understand the truth. She did not want me to be unsuccessful. She wanted me to stay comfortable because that was where she was comfortable. That version of me that needed her was easier to love, I guess, than the version of me who was building something.
Jealousy in a grown woman it can be quiet. It doesn't look like the envy that we see in those rom-com movies. It looks like the friend who forgets to congratulate you. Who texts you the second something falls apart in your life, but go silent every time something goes right. It's like the family member who says, "Must be nice." instead of "I'm so proud of you.
I'm so happy for you." I'm genuinely happy for you. It can show up as a colleague who suddenly can't find a free lunch or a free moment on the calendar after you get a promotion or you want to talk. So, here's a habit. The next time something good happens to you, I want you to kind of watch the room. Watch your text messages.
See who's what's happening you. Not for the congratulations. Not who's the loudest. Not who sends flowers. But for who goes quiet.
For who changes the subject. For who suddenly has a thing that they need to share that has to be a bigger story or a bigger win. And just take note of it. Not not to be cruel and not to cut them off and not to say you're no longer my friend cuz you don't care. But just so you actually know who's in the room with you.
I think it's really important because it would have saved me a lot of time and a lot of frustration. The people who are happy when you're happy are your real people. Those are the ones that you want near you. Those are the ones that are going to be there for the long haul. Everybody else can is kind of auditioning.
Lesson number three, choose who you get into a relationship with very carefully. This is one I have lived all over the place. I'm not going to sit here and tell you the bad relationships in my 30s and 40s ruined my life because they didn't, though at the time it felt like they ruined my life. I got out of them and I'm sitting here right now in a marriage with a man that I really truly love and I would not be in this life if I had not walked through some of those other crappy times. The hard ones taught me what to look for in the future and they taught me what to walk away from a little bit faster than I had before.
And I am I'm actually grateful for what they gave me because I would never be this appreciative of where I am right now had I not been almost broken by some of those other people. But I want to tell you something because I see this in so many of you that ask questions, that send in comments and I want to name it. One bad relationship can quietly shrink a lot of your life. It's not always this one big explosive moment but it can be this erosion over time. The way you start second-guessing your instincts because you've been told they were wrong.
The way you start passing on opportunities at work because his mood when you stay late isn't worth it. The way you stop calling friends or showing up for them because he makes you feel bad he's not getting enough attention. The way you start dressing differently or laughing differently or chewing differently, whatever it is. The way you wake up at 42 and realize you do not actually know who you are anymore because you have been managing your partner's moods for a decade. I have watched women that I love immensely watch themselves and be careful and get smaller in real time inside of a relationship and they don't see it happening.
And the way I've been able to notice it is because I did it myself for a long time. This is why I beg you to choose carefully and not constantly look at a timeline and not constantly worry about what everybody else is doing and whether or not you're the only friend that's single. The early signs matter. The way he treats you at any age on a hard day matters more than the way he treats you on date three. And the way he talks about the women who came before you is a way he's going to talk about you someday.
What you want is somebody who is impressed by you instead of threatened by you and somebody who is rooting for your wins instead of needs to be the bigger story. And somebody who handles their own stress without making you feel punished for it. You can come back from a lot in life. Career setbacks, money problems, health scares, lost friendships. You can come back from almost anything, but the years you spend with the wrong person or partner are years you do not get back.
And the version of you that walks out the other side is going to need a lot of love to be able to get back to yourself again. So, here's the habit in this one. I want you to look at the closest person in your life right now. Just look around. Who is that person?
And are you a bigger or a smaller woman because of them? Are you more yourself or less? And trust that answer that comes up first before you start justifying anything because we all know how to do that really well. I got really good at it over time and I'm sure you are, too. So, just be sure that you're thinking about the first thing that comes into mind and who's sitting next to you.
Lesson number four. 99% of the time it has nothing to do with you. Oh my gosh, I have to repeat this to myself right now as I'm saying this to you because this is one of those lessons that I think yeah, I even I have to say it over and over again. I spent so many of my younger decades taking everything personally. Any comment, a weird look, a short email, a short weird text, every friend who didn't return a call, every co-worker who seemed like they were off in the morning. I would I could spiral for hours over what I had done or said.
It's funny, my dad said to me one time a long time ago. He He's like, "You just want everybody to like you. Do you just lay in bed at night wondering, you know, who's mad at you?" And I went, "Yeah, I do." Almost every single time, it had nothing to do with me. The person you're thinking about making up stories about was probably tired, was probably stressed. I don't know, might be going through something that you knew nothing about.
Maybe had a bad call before walking into a meeting. Maybe the person's mother is sick, or she hadn't slept in 3 days, which we certainly all know that story. The world doesn't revolve around us. And I know it sounds cold, but it's actually the kindest thing that you can tell yourself and that I can tell you, because it means that you're not the reason for any of the bad energy you're picking up. And gosh, it's so easy to do that nowadays, and I I don't know why I have a tendency to even catch myself doing it at 55 years old.
If you have a friend who has been distant, they're not punishing you. If you have a boss who's been short with you, I don't think they're building a case against you necessarily, unless you know something that they don't know. Most people are just trying to survive their own lives. They're stressed out. They're dealing with a lot of things.
They're not thinking about you all the time in their off moments, cuz sometimes they barely have time to think about themselves. I think about the hours that I lost in my 30s, especially, and my 40s, spinning out over crap that would turn out to be nothing. And the next day I'd be like, "Oh, oh, it had nothing to do with me." And I had conversations rehearsed in my head. I like had apologies that I was thinking about doing, and it had nothing to do with me. Okay, so here's the habit.
The next time you catch yourself in a spiral, I want you to ask one question. What's the most generous read of the situation? Not the most flattering. You don't have to be soft with yourself, but the most generous read. Try the read that has nothing to do with you.
Most of the time, that's going to be the right one. And then a small There's going to be a small percentage of time that it actually is you, that you've been, you know, mean to the person, or they took something personally. But if they have not told you that directly, it's most likely not about you. I hope that's helpful because you get one life and you do not need to spend it inventing reasons people don't love you cuz I have a feeling you're pretty lovable. Lesson five, stop apologizing for your feelings.
This one I learned way later than I should have. I did not learn it in my 30s or in my 40s, well maybe at the end of my 40s. Definitely I've learned it in my 50s. Every time you start a sentence with sorry, I know I'm being dramatic or oh my gosh, I'm sorry I'm just emotional or sorry, I don't mean to be so much. You were doing something to yourself that you might not even see.
You're training your brain that your feelings are an inconvenience. So here's the habit on this one because this one's a pretty simple one, that's why it's short. The next time you start a sentence with sorry before you share something you feel, catch it. Take the sorry out of the sentence. Say the thing anyway.
I'm upset about this, not sorry I'm upset about this. I do not want this, not sorry I really don't want it. Not sorry this is not working for me. Yeah, it's just not working for me. No apology in the front, just the truth and watch how the conversation changes.
I think it's going to be easier for you, it feels better and I think you'll feel better about yourself the next morning. Women who say what they feel are not too much and we have to get out of that habit. They are exactly enough and I think the rest of the world is just starting to catch up with that. All right, lesson number six. If it is not going to matter a year from now, stop giving it so much weight.
So you're like, oh Tamsen, how am I going to know if it's going to matter a year from now? I know. I spent my 30s wrecked over things that I could never remember. They didn't even last me a week more or less a year. A bad night in TV news where the ratings were bad, a critical email, I don't know, some stupid comment somebody made about my hair.
You know, a guy that didn't call me back, a piece that I wasn't pleased with, somebody of a friend who said something. If I think about all the crap that I would lose entire days over, it's crazy. I'd lose sleep, I'd replay the whole thing in my head. I would draft and redraft my responses like this is what I'm going to say. You know, I would tell my husband.
I would tell a friend. I'd tell a friend's friend. I'd ask what they think. I carried it around like it was this crazy emergency. I'm saying a year, but a month later I couldn't even remember what most of that was about.
What you remember a year out is almost never the things that wrecked your week. What you remember is who you spent time with, maybe what you built, maybe what healed you, what you walked away from, said yes to. Big conversations, moments that are just quiet that you're sitting there doing nothing. My husband and I had a weekend where we literally did nothing. And that I can't wait to have that weekend again.
It wasn't like big stuff. It's those small moments. Your peace is valuable and we're at a time right now where we are running and gunning all the time. Information's coming at us all the time. There's always something to do, something to read, something pinging us or notifying us.
Your peace is valuable. It's too valuable to spend on things that will not survive next Tuesday. So, here's a habit on this one. When something starts hitting you sideways, I want you to ask one question before you go down in the spiral. Is this going to matter a year from now?
And if you want to do it this way, is this going to matter a month from now? If the answer is no, give it the time it deserves, then put it away, out of sight. A few minutes of frustration is fine, then move on. Save the big energy for the things that actually matter in your life because there's going to be a lot of big ones. You're allowed to let some things just be small.
Lesson seven. The way you treat your body now determines how it treats you later. I feel like I talk about this a lot. You know I do. But nothing else We can't do anything else if we're not healthy.
We can't do anything else if our body is not together to the best of its ability. This one I want every woman in your 30s to write down and share with somebody because nobody told me this and I would give a lot to go back for this part. In your 30s, your body absorbs everything you do to it without complaint. Bad sleep, a little extra wine, margaritas at 1:00 in the morning, maybe that was me after a late night on the news, skipped workouts, skipped meals, chronic stress, you know, not lifting anything heavy, years of being on your feet, running on caffeine and adrenaline all the time, years of not drinking water, years of being like, "I don't I don't care about wellness." The years of saying you'll deal with it later. Your body's not forgetting any of that.
It just keeps kind of a quiet picture keeping like a quiet ledger, right? Like writing it down. And then it cashes the bill in your 50s. And I learned this in real time when I hit perimenopause. And I watched my body, and I go back and look at pictures sometimes, change in ways that I did not understand.
Weight gain that came out of nowhere, especially around my middle, especially on my arms, sleep that fell apart and went to crap, nights on the couch where I could I could not fall asleep if you paid me, brain fog, joints that ached when I got out of bed. And trust me, I was eating better than I ever had and working out harder than I ever had and my body became unfamiliar to me. And it's really what set me on this journey. And what I've learned since then is that a lot of what we deal with in midlife is not just hormones. I think it's also that bill coming due for a lot of what we did to ourselves in our 30s.
And I'm not saying don't have fun and enjoy your life because I enjoy my life. But be aware of the things that we didn't have conversations about. Bone density. We never talked about any of that. Muscle that we did or did not build.
Sleep that we didn't pay attention to. And the stress that we didn't manage. And if there's nothing else for me, sleep and stress are the two big ones. This is not me telling you to be perfect in your 30s or your 40s. And trust me, I was nowhere perfect then and I'm not now.
This is me telling you that the small things you do now are the foundation of the woman you're going to be at 55 or 56 and beyond. So, a few things. Pick one of them a week. Lift something heavy. Protect your bones by doing that.
Eat the protein. Sleep when you can. Drink water. Move your body. If you do some of that work before your body needs it, you're going to really thank yourself later on.
I wish I had done it. And by the way, managing stress, and we talk about that all the time, we kind of throw it out there. Manage your stress like it's a job because it is. And listen to the things your body's telling you now instead of just pushing through or saying, "I'm going to sleep when I'm dead." I lost my mom to breast cancer when I was 20 years old. I have spent my whole adult life carrying that with me.
And one of the things that that grief taught me eventually is that taking care of your body is not vanity. It is a most loving thing that you can do for your future self and for all the people that love you. So, here's a habit in this one because I named a lot of different things. Pick one this week. Not a transformation.
Just one thing that you can do so that older version of yourself self thanks you. So, drink the water. Pay attention to that. Go take a walk. Go to bed 20 minutes earlier.
Eat some protein with breakfast instead of just a bagel. One thing today and then again tomorrow and then again the next day. Your future self is counting on you and she doesn't need you to be perfect. She just needs you to show up. Okay, friends, these are those seven lessons that I said earlier that I wish somebody had handed me at 35 years old or even younger.
If one of them hit you, send me a message and tell me which one. I would love to hear from you. You can email me at podcast@tamsenvidall.com. I love hearing from you. Or if you want to leave a voicemail or text, 917-382-4277.
And if you have a second, leaving a review matters more than you know. There's a whole team of women behind the scenes here building these episodes each and every week and your reviews really help them keep showing up and giving you what you want. If you have a friend who needs this one, especially a friend who maybe is in the middle of 30s or 40s or wherever she is and feels like she's dealing with a lot of these things, please send it to her. I am here to make sure your next chapter is your most confident one yet. I love you and I'll talk to you in the next episode.
