I think we I think we give ourselves these rules because it makes things easier and so if that makes it easier, that's fine. So if you dated him for like 2 years, is it going to take 1 year to get better? I don't think so. That's crazy. What if it takes you longer?Oh, you're not going to let it. Mhm. Adriana asked, "I've been on six first dates in the past 2 months. Every single one was fine and I felt absolutely nothing, not even a flicker. Is this just what dating is now or is something wrong with me?" Oh my gosh.
I don't think there's anything wrong with you. Here's what I think. First of all, six dates in 2 months, I I give it up to you for that because I think that this way you know. You're not going on one date for, you know, six times and then realizing that person is not for you. You're going on a date and going like, "That's not it.
I'm moving on." Here's what I would say. If you go on a date and you actually have a good time with that person or you have a great conversation or there's some type of connection, I wouldn't mind seeing you go on a second one. Meaning that just because there's not this flicker of excitement inside of you doesn't mean that there's not a possibility of there becoming something in the future, you know, or giving that person a chance. I think first dates are really awkward and weird. I think they get harder and harder.
So just because you didn't feel some kind of like sexual desire or some emotional flicker or butterflies in your stomach, whatever you want to call it, doesn't mean there couldn't be some type of connection there. So I I'd keep that in mind, one. So if there was anybody in those six people, maybe you give one of those people a second chance. But know there's nothing wrong with you. Look, I think some people aren't for some people.
If if it were that easy, then everybody would go out on a date, one, two, three dates, find somebody and that would be it. I think that maybe you want to start looking at what those people had in common and maybe what you're actually looking for and seeing if those match up. Okay, I also love this name, Ren. Ren. She says, "I'm 55 and just got back on the dating apps.
My question is is it wrong to be talking to multiple people at the same time? It feels like cheating to me, but everyone my daughter's age says that's just how it works now. Am I being too old-fashioned?" Ren, I love this question. Okay, Ren, you are not cheating by talking to multiple people at the same time and in fact if you weren't and you were just talking to one person, I would be saying, "Ren, you need to be talking to multiple people at the same time." I know that dating is different. It's been different over the years.
I don't know when the last time you were out there dating or if you've ever been on the apps or ever been, you know, meeting somebody outside of just being introduced to them, but and I always hate to say this, but I'm going to say it, it's kind of a numbers game, too, you know. You've got to meet a lot of different people. So I don't think there's anything wrong with you talking to a lot of different people. I do think two things. There's something wrong with you staying online just talking to them and not moving that into real life.
I worry about that, so I would limit the amount of time that you're texting and talking to people and make sure you get out on a date or get out for coffee or for a drink or for something safely always. And then two, I would be saying to you if you wrote in and said, "Hey Tamsen, I'm sleeping with multiple people I'm meeting on the dating site." I would say like, "Ren, maybe you shouldn't be doing that." And I would be saying that only because I don't know if that's going to help you find somebody that you really want to have a relationship with if that's your goal. I'm really happy about the fact that you're talking to a lot of people and I think it's going to make you feel more comfortable and maybe help you determine what you're looking for in a partner if that is what you're looking for, a partner. What do you think is like the minimum and the maximum? Time?
No, amount of people that she should be talking to. Online? Yeah, I think it's unlimited. Huh? Is it unlimited?
I think it's unlimited. Does not exist. Well, I mean look, if you're spending 6 hours a day online chatting with people, then, you know, we've and then maybe that's not the best idea. But I think you give yourself I listen, I used to think that it was kind of like a a job, for goodness sake. Like like you really have to focus on it, right?
It's like it's a thing you have to do, not really a job, so don't quote me on that. But I think that it's like you have to put your time in there. You have to pay attention. You have to decide what you're looking for. You have to make sure you're safe when you go out there.
You have to make sure that, you know, somebody's not playing you. There's a lot of different things. I I had a really good friend who I feel like she was like a at the dating sites, but she really understood that she got on there, she was very honest about who she was, she cut through all the she didn't listen to people that were like, "Lie about your age." You know, "Fuck Just find them and then you can change it when you get out there." Like that's all ridiculous. That's so old school, too. It's ridiculous.
And so I you know, she was very honest with what she wanted, she didn't want to play games, she wasn't looking for children, she already had kids, she was looking for somebody to travel with and be a partner in her life, and she found them. And it it didn't happen right away, but it eventually happened, and she found that type of person she was really looking for, which was great. I love this question. Simone says, "Tamsen, I know you've spoken about narcissists before. How do you spot one before you've already fallen for them?
I was married to a narcissist for 14 years and I didn't see it until I was completely lost, and I'm terrified of doing that again." Narcissism is something we've talked about quite a bit on this show, actually. I'll make sure that the team links in the notes, because I think that it's very complex, and I don't know that I could give you you know, that expert answer in this. Here's what I will say though, if you were already with somebody that was a narcissist, and I was as well, and I didn't even know the word then, I just knew this. My nervous system was heightened constantly. Every time he text, I jumped.
Every time I said something, he said the opposite. Every time I felt like I was doing something, it felt like it was for his approval. And every time I felt like I had his approval, he pulled the rug out from under me. All those things and they're not limited to, are those type of traits you're looking for. And I think that if you are being honest with yourself and you're dating somebody for even you know, a few months, you're going to start to see some of those.
So when you see some of those little things and you're like, "that didn't sit right, but I'll just brush that aside" and give it an excuse and give it another excuse. If you find yourself doing that, that's a problem. That's an issue. That is noting that situation, and hopefully you're not falling for him because you're seeing those little signs. I think that if I look back on my relationship, I saw all those signs, and I turned those red flags into pretty pink flags, and I moved on cuz I wanted what I wanted.
In retrospect, I would never do that again. I I remember what they were very clearly. I look for them. I looked for them when I went out there dating. I think you've got to really listen like your body.
You can feel that in your body. That I didn't even know what the nervous system meant, and now I really do. Like if I get a phone call from somebody that you know, is not quite sitting right with me, I can feel it all in my body. And if you're feeling something like that, please don't ignore it. So what I was crazy to learn from Dr.
Ramani was that the most confident women are like they go out narcissists go after the most confident women. Which is it's just so surprising that even like knowing you now that you dated a narcissist, like I could not picture it at all. Two. Two. Cuz I didn't even know what I Maybe even more, who knows No, but those two people, and one was my you know, ex, and one was somebody I dated right after, had the same thing.
Like I was always performing for them. I was always dancing for them. I was always like on point. And they would do things And this is something else I want to say. I was never enough in their eyes.
Like I I'll never forget this. Like the the one guy that I He was kind of like my Mr. Big. I always called him Mr. Big because he was just like never committing to me, and but but I still chased it.
And I remember I said to him, "Yeah, I'm I'm moving to New York, and I'm going to be working at WCBS, and I'm so excited." And he's like, "Yeah, but it's not like it's CNN in the national." And I never forgot that. I was like, "Oh my gosh, I'm not in the national news. Now what?" But so that's that narcissist behavior. It's like you're always performing here, right? He didn't Never committed to me.
Never committed to me, but always made me feel less than. And if then maybe then he will. And then if I get to the next hurdle, maybe then he will. And so if you're talking about things to look out for, those are things to look out for. And don't tell yourself that it's just a little thing, and it's just you he'll go I'll grow it, or it's not it's you, not him, because it's not, trust me.
Also, I'm going to plug the phone number now, so people know, and we can put it in the show notes, but our phone number is 917-382-4277, and you can call, leave a voicemail, or text us, or email. Old school phone. We have a We have Where's the phone? It's behind you. There's the phone.
That's the exact phone that rings when you call. That rings if you call. No, seriously, we really want Here's a couple things. We want to make sure that the guests on the show are the people that you want to hear from. We want to make sure that every time you listen to this show, that you are walking away more empowered in that part of your life, right?
Whatever it is, whether it's career, whether it's relationships like this conversation. So we'd really It means a lot. Like the whole team jumps in, we sit down every Monday, we go through calls, we go through messages. We started doing something fun, so a couple of you have a quite a few of you actually have had outreach from us. My book How to Menopause, also back there by the phone that rings.
It's almost a year old. Well, it will be a year old when this airs, right? Yeah, it's going to be 1 year old. Yeah. For our 1 year our 1 year baby book baby birthday, we have been giving away books, sending out books.
Of course, we contact you first, to people who leave reviews. So not everybody, we're going to try to do as many as we can, but we pull names randomly, we reach out. If you guys get back to us, we get an address and send a book. So I don't know how many How many have we done now? I have We've done over 25 Oh my gosh.
Susan's been sending them out. We're pulling names. So anyway, we just want to say thank you somehow, and sometimes just saying thank you and over and over didn't you know, feel like enough. So we really appreciate it. And we want to keep hearing from you.
No matter what, no matter what you think, let us know. I mean, I'd rather you think nice things, but maybe give you know, I pick the nice nicer messages to send. Okay, fair. I mean, we love the feedback. We love the feedback.
We do love feedback. Okay. I'm I'm We love that you all come in here. All right. I know.
I wish we had more room. I wish I did, too. Okay. So Claudia said that she's 52, but the man that she is falling for has never been married, and he's 56 years old. Everyone around me is saying that it's a red flag, but he's the most emotionally available man I've ever dated.
Am I ignoring something I shouldn't be? You know what? Sometimes when I answer these things, they come from personal experience, so I try to back up and not do that. No, but we want your personal experience. No, I know, but I just I don't want to be like, "Oh, that guy's like every other guy." So somebody at that age that has not ever been married before is one thing.
I guess what I would say is has he been committed before? And is he willing to be committed now? And does he want a commitment, or is it like, "Well, we'll just see We'll just see where it goes. We'll see where it leads us. We'll you know, la-di-da." I think I would just be aware of that.
I'm not really worried about what everybody else says. However, I do think people close to you can see things that we can't see, but I was with somebody who had never been married before, and I said to myself, "Oh my gosh, he just hasn't met the right person yet." And the truth is is to this day he is now I don't know, in his 60s, and he's never been married before. So he's probably never going to get married. And I did spend a lot of time in my 30s lying to myself. So I guess I would say this.
I would say I would have a real conversation, not be afraid of the conversation, not be afraid to ask where it stands, not beat around the bush and be afraid if you ask him a question that you know, he's going to run away, and it's going to be your fault, because somebody that wants to be there is not going to run away. And it's not going to be your fault if you know, if you ask them a question. And so I think keep that in mind. I think we sometimes skirt around things cuz we're afraid of the end result, and to me the end result's going to happen whether you skirt around it or not. I mean, it's just reminds me of like the George Clooney thing.
Like Amal gave us Like remember George Clooney? She did give us hope. She gave us hope. She Amal did give us hope. I mean, it is Amal, and it is George Clooney.
I mean, he would have been stupid if There would have been something wrong with him if he didn't marry her. And she's Lebanese, so I just Yeah. All right. We have another We have something else to tape, so we have to bring this episode to a close. Yeah, we do.
So All right. I really enjoyed this. If you have questions, leave them. You want to tell us tell the phone again real fast? Or podcast@tamsenfadal.com.
Okay. We'll talk to you next episode.
