Why Midlife Divorce Is Rising and How Women Decide Whether to Stay or Go: Divorce Attorney Sue Moss

I wish I had known Sue Moss before my own divorce. I wish I'd known the questions to ask. You get swept away, and that's what happens until there's a problem. That's why I wanted one of New York's top divorce attorneys on The Tamsen Show.

Sue started with hope. "Divorce can set you up to being happy," she said. The best part of her job is watching clients come in depressed and sad, go through the tunnel, and come out the other side able to smile, laugh and joke again. "The goal that we have as divorce lawyers is getting you to your better life."

Why More Women Are Leaving Later in Life

Divorce rates aren't exploding, but they are shifting. Sue explained that the overall rate is steady, and lower for first marriages than many of us think. But more women are leaving marriages later in life because things have changed. People are living longer, society is more accepting of older people getting divorced, and women are asking a harder question: "If I'm unhappy now, can I stay unhappy for decades?"

Sue is careful not to blame menopause or midlife. She sees correlation, not causation. What changes at this stage is perspective, as women reassess health, time and emotional cost and ask whether staying is survival or stagnation.

She also raised a critical financial reality. Long-term or permanent spousal support has largely disappeared in most states, and courts increasingly expect the non-earning spouse to go back to work, even after a long marriage. That makes preparation essential.

6 Takeaways From My Conversation With Sue Moss

1. Know the early signs of control

I asked Sue what signs of narcissism someone should watch for before they end up in her office. Her list: they always have to be right, even when it sounds like they are right. They correct you often. They tell you negative tidbits about your friends and family, convince you to spend less time with the people you love, and isolate you, even if it's framed as "I just want to spend this time with you."

2. Evict the narcissist from your head

Sue said step one in these divorces is "to evict that narcissist out of their head." She described clients who defend a spouse who is abusing them, saying, "Well, I deserved it." It's like the narcissist is "renting space in their spouse's head without paying rent," and knows exactly which pressure point to push. Recognizing that voice as theirs, not yours, is the start.

3. You will not look like the liar in court

The night before court, so many of Sue's clients are terrified that their husband will charm her and the judge, and that everyone will think they're crazy. Her answer: "You pay me to believe you." And when she meets these men, she's not charmed, and the judge usually isn't either. Even the smartest woman Sue ever met had that same fear.

4. Staying "for the kids" isn't always protecting them

One of the hardest decisions involves children. Sue explained that staying "for the kids" can teach them that disrespect or abuse is normal. Children absorb relationship models, and sometimes leaving protects them more than staying.

5. Be careful with mediation when there's a power imbalance

Emotional abuse often escalates quietly over years. Women rationalize behavior, minimize harm and carry guilt that isn't theirs. That's why Sue cautions against mediation in cases involving domestic violence, hidden assets, chronic guilt or power imbalances.

6. A prenup or postnup isn't unromantic

"It's not romantic or unromantic. It just is," Sue said. People are marrying later, with careers and finances already built, and couples need to understand what happens to what each person brings. A prenup comes before the wedding and a postnup after. Both are agreements about what happens if you split or one spouse dies, and Sue noted they're harder to change than a will. They can even be romantic: "I want to make sure you are always taken care of."

There Is an End to the Tunnel

Sue reminds us that divorce is a process with a beginning, a middle and an end. Even the most painful cases conclude. The goal isn't punishment. It's a better life on the other side.

If you want to learn more, listen to my full conversation with Sue Moss on The Tamsen Show.

About Sue Moss

Sue Moss is a New York matrimonial and family law attorney, a partner at Chemtob Moss Forman & Beyda, and co-author of Guide to Divorce.

Resources

• Sue Moss at Chemtob Moss Forman & Beyda
• National Domestic Violence Hotline
• Listen to the full episode