What I Finally Understand About the Relationships That Shaped Me

One of the biggest mistakes I've made in my past is thinking I was too smart and too confident to be tricked by a manipulative man.

I spent years interviewing people for a living, and reading a room was my job. Yet looking back, I missed patterns that now feel obvious.

Unhealthy relationships rarely begin looking unhealthy.

They begin looking like someone who's incredibly invested in you.

In this week's episode of The Tamsen Show, I share what I finally understand about the relationships that shaped my life and the patterns they had in common.

In both relationships, I experienced:

• Love bombing disguised as romance, generosity and feeling chosen.
• A hot-and-cold cycle that kept pulling me back.
• Blame-shifting instead of genuine accountability.
• Constant self-doubt until I stopped trusting my own instincts.
• Small boundary violations that slowly became much bigger ones.

If you're reading this and quietly recognizing your own relationship in these words, I want you to hear me.

You're not weak or naive. You're certainly not the only smart, capable woman who's ever wondered, "How did I not see it?"

I've asked myself that same question (twice!)

What I've Learned: 6 Takeaways From This Episode

1. Being invested in isn't the same as being built

The first man, the one I call Mr. Big, came into my life in my early 20s. I'd lost my mom at 20 and was building a career in news. He was older, established and magnetic. There was wine, books and art, and then it became "here's what a woman like you should care about."

I thought he was investing in me. Looking back, he wasn't investing in me. He was building me. The wine, the books, the opinions coming out of my mouth weren't mine. They were his, and I called it love. If you catch yourself constantly asking, "What would he do?", pay attention to whose voice that really is.

2. Name the loop so you can see it

When my first marriage ended in my 40s, I went back to him. He felt like the safest place to be. But every time I started feeling like myself again, he'd create a little distance.

There's a name for that, and I want you to write it down: the loop. You feel safe, then you don't, then you do, then you don't. That's not a relationship. It's a loop, and you can spend years inside one without knowing it.

3. The charm is real, and so is what happens after you leave the room

The man I committed to in my 40s was a completely different kind. He needed to be the focus. If he had a hard day, his day was the bigger day. I made myself quieter and smaller to make room for him.

He could walk into a room and have everybody adoring him in minutes. Then we'd leave together and the warmth would just go away, and I'd wonder whether I'd imagined the man everyone loved 20 minutes earlier.

4. The deepest damage is doubting your own read

If I pointed out something he'd done, the answer was always some version of "I wouldn't have done this if you didn't make me." I'd end up apologizing for things I didn't do.

Over time, I found myself questioning what was real. That's the part that does the real damage. It's the constant, low-grade question of whether you can trust your own read on what just happened.

5. Being smart has nothing to do with it

People have asked me, "How could you go back?" I've asked myself at 3 in the morning. Here's my answer: I was book smart, career smart and good at my job, and none of that protected me.

A lot of us are face-value people. We assume the person in front of us is who they say they are. That isn't a flaw. But awareness matters, because I believe narcissists look for women who are kind, loyal and honest, and who will give and give.

6. The tools I still use today

I'm in an incredible marriage now, with someone I love who loves me back, and I still use these tools:

• Watch what he does, not what he says. Words are easy. If his words and his behavior don't match, believe the behavior every single time.
• Notice how you feel after you see him, not while you're with him. Are you more yourself, or quietly removing pieces to keep the peace?
• Trust your friends and family. The people who knew you before can see what you can't. My best friend, Diane, saw things about Mr. Big that I couldn't.
• Test whether he can let you be right. The first time you know something he doesn't, watch what he does. A man who loves you will be delighted. My husband is genuinely happy to learn from me.
• Listen for the apology. Real apologies are specific. "I'm sorry I hurt your feelings, that's not what I intended" is different from "I'm sorry you feel that way."
• Trust the small no. Big violations never start big. They start with a small no that gets brushed aside.

You Were Whole Before They Showed Up

The woman who walked into Mr. Big's life at 20 is not the woman I am at 55. And that's the whole point: they don't get to define who you are. You were a whole person before they showed up. You can start to set down the shame and the grief now.

My hope is that this conversation helps you stop blaming yourself, start trusting your instincts again, and remember that the healthiest relationship you'll ever have is the one you build with yourself.

Listen to the full episode, The 5 Signs You're Dating a Narcissist (I Missed Every One), on The Tamsen Show.