Why Are Women Expected to Accept Less as They Get Older?

There are a lot of things we’re told to expect as we get older.

Our bodies will change. Our energy might change. Our hormones will change.

But somewhere along the way, women also got the message that our desire is supposed to disappear too.

And if it does? Well, that’s just aging.

I believed some version of that myself.

When my libido changed, I went to a gynecologist looking for answers. Instead, I was told I needed to see a sexual health therapist first and explain why I wanted my sex drive back.

So I went.

And instead of feeling like I was addressing something happening in my body, I walked away feeling like there was something wrong with me for wanting to address it at all. Eventually, I stopped pursuing treatment because I felt embarrassed.

That story came rushing back when I sat down with Cindy Eckert.

Cindy has spent more than a decade fighting for women with low sexual desire to be taken seriously. And she said something during our conversation that I keep thinking about: culturally, we have acted as though women’s desire has an expiration date.

I think she’s right.

We don’t just normalize the changes that can come with getting older. Sometimes we tell women they should simply accept losing parts of themselves.

Your sex drive is gone? You’re getting older.

You’re exhausted? That’s life.

You don’t feel like yourself? Welcome to midlife.

But what if I don’t want to accept that?

And to be clear, this isn’t about how much sex a woman “should” be having. Cindy made a distinction I really appreciated: if you don’t have much desire and that doesn’t bother you, there is nothing you need to fix.

But if something has changed and you miss it, why shouldn’t you be able to ask questions about it?

That applies to so much more than sex.

Getting older is inevitable. Quietly accepting every change that makes us feel less like ourselves shouldn’t be.

I don’t want women entering their 40s, 50s, 60s and beyond believing that wanting to feel strong, sexual, energetic, confident or fully alive somehow means they’re refusing to age gracefully.

Maybe aging gracefully includes expecting more for ourselves, not less.

Cindy and I get into all of this, including the fight to get women’s sexual health taken seriously, on this week’s episode of *The Tamsen Show.*

Listen to the full episode here or watch it here.

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