Menopause
The 5 Principles of Strong Relationships and How to Navigate a Hormonal Household: Dr. Aliza Pressman
From The Tamsen Show: Episode
24
with
Dr. Aliza Pressman
Listen to this episode on
Share with a Friend
I'll be honest with you: I was hesitant to do a parenting episode because I'm not a mom. But this conversation with developmental psychologist Dr. Aliza Pressman turned out not to be just about parenting. It's about relationships, and that matters to all of us. I'm an aunt, and I was taking notes the whole time.
The Five R's: Principles for Every Relationship
When Dr. Pressman joined The Tamsen Show, she shared what she calls the five R's, guiding principles that apply to every relationship. Whether you're raising toddlers, navigating a blended family or connecting with adult children, they form a foundation for healthier, more resilient relationships.
1. Relationship. Strong, connected relationships protect us from stress, and not only kids. Adults thrive with a few deeply connected relationships too.
2. Reflection. Ask, How did I experience love growing up? and Is that what I want to pass on? Self-awareness lets you respond instead of react.
3. Regulation. The ability to pause, breathe and tell the difference between real and perceived threats is key. "When you can tell your nervous system there's no emergency, you make better choices."
4. Rules. Boundaries aren't about control. They're about physical and emotional safety. Pair warmth with clear limits.
5. Repair. Repairing small ruptures actually strengthens a relationship. "If you want a relationship to be strong, you have to have tiny little ruptures and discord to come back together for repair," she said.
Repair Is Permission to Mess Up
This was the part that made me exhale. "The only downside to messing up would be if you didn't repair," Dr. Pressman said. And repair doesn't have to be a big sit-down. After a snippy moment, you might turn on the TV together, sit a little farther apart on the sofa, and then share a laugh. You're back. "That's also repair."
I'm 54, and I told her I spent a lot of my life trying to be perfect. She explained that if you had a mother or caregiver who seemed perfect to you, you can carry the burden of thinking you're supposed to be perfect too. "It's an unburdening for all of us to find out that actually repair and missteps are really, really important to good, healthy thriving."
How to Navigate a Hormonal Household
Dr. Pressman describes a "hormonal household" as one where a parent is in perimenopause or menopause while raising a teenager. Both are in stages of brain and hormonal change, and it can get tense.
Why it happens. The adolescent brain, she explained, "is going through a renovation." The frontal lobe, where self-regulation lives, isn't fully developed until somewhere between 18 and 28, so teens can be "all gas, no brakes." Then in perimenopause, "the light around the frontal lobe is a little dimmer." When a parent and a teen are both working with a less efficient regulation center, conflict can escalate fast. And a teen pushing you away is healthy, since they're getting ready to leave the nest, but it's extra hard while you're going through your own changes.
How to manage it:
- Lean into connection first. Even after a disagreement, focus on repair.
- Use a mantra. Reminders like This isn't an emergency or I'm not being chased by a bear calm the nervous system.
- Practice mutual grace. You're both going through a renovation, not a breakdown.
More Takeaways From Dr. Pressman
1. Let them handle their discomfort
The biggest parenting challenge she sees? Parents who can't handle their child's discomfort. "If you swoop in and fix it, the message for them is, I can't handle this." You're taking away responsibility and making them feel they aren't capable.
2. Get curious before you react
A listener's 17-year-old said she hates school and doesn't see the point of college. Dr. Pressman's advice: take a breath and ask yourself why college matters to you. Then come back "with a calm nervous system that's curious" and start with, "I hear you."
3. Wait before introducing a new partner
If you're going through a divorce, she said, you should typically wait before introducing a new partner to your kids. Ask yourself who you want your children to attach to. When the relationship gets to a point where you want to know more, talk about it together: "Do you think this would be a good time to start getting to know your kids?"
4. Find what's sustainable when you're caring for everyone
Many of us are caring for teens and aging parents at the same time. My dad is 85, and there's always guilt about whether I'm doing enough. Dr. Pressman's point: "You cannot go at 100% for each person in your life and yourself and have it not bite you." Figure out what's sustainable, and include your kids in caring for the older generation.
Connection, Not Perfection
Perfection isn't the goal. Connection is. If you're in a hormonal household, you're not alone, and awareness is the first step toward keeping the peace.
What I'm Taking With Me
If you're navigating hormones on both ends of the hallway, yours and your kids', this conversation will make you feel so seen. It did for me. None of us gets it right every time. What matters is that we keep showing up, keep repairing and keep choosing connection over being right. That goes for our kids, our partners and, honestly, ourselves. Progress, not perfection.
Listen to my full conversation with Dr. Aliza Pressman on The Tamsen Show.
About Dr. Aliza Pressman
Dr. Aliza Pressman is a developmental psychologist, co-founder of the Mount Sinai Parenting Center, and New York Times bestselling author of The 5 Principles of Parenting.
Featured book: The 5 Principles of Parenting: Your Essential Guide to Raising Good Humans
Resources
Related Posts
Menopause